“I Respect myself for staying strong even when I have had every right to break down.”
Gloves On: My being won’t allow me to get fully angry, or go off the way I normally would. I mean I can be fully disrespected, cursed out, put down, but somewhere along the way my inner self took control and has been flipping the script on me for a while now. Where I would get mad, I just don’t, where I would get loud and seriously pop off, I’m calm, where I would over talk, I have been listening (taken in the good and bad). I have learned that Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak, and courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
I don’t bother defending myself because I know what I understand about myself doesn’t need to be explained. I’m at the point now to where if I’m calling you out on doing this and that and blah blah blah, I try to flip whatever the case may be to myself and ask….What am I doing? What can I change? and How can this person help me change it? Rather than going in on them and them alone, as if their fully at fault.
BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING THOUGH…
It bothered me that I wouldn’t say anything. It wasn’t from fear to speak or the lack of care, I just simply took the rounds and would sit where ever I was and think for a good minute to myself and still do at times……”I’m not bothered by what they said to me, or how they said it”…If that’s not making me sit back for a minute and question my reaction, what is?”
So in answering myself I think it’s the fact that I’m being Judgmental and hard on myself because I’m not fully aware of the reasoning behind not reacting the way I once did. Not that I was just a “I’m gone whoop yo a** type person”…but you not gone handle me any type of way.
I think we live, we learn, and we all want respect and when you know you’re deserving and you’re not getting it you can’t help but to unleash some negativity or fall victim to it. I’m still living and learning, but my being isn’t allowing me to divulge in negative situations or feed my energy in to them. It’s no problem for me to walk away or dismiss you if that’s what you’re bringing to the table, it’s no problem for me to walk away or dismiss myself from a situation if i brought myself to that table. I just can’t deal and I won’t.
What gets me most of all though is that I’m not even intentionally doing this it’s just being done. I can decipher when the problem isn’t really the problem, but their attitude about the problem. I can decipher when I have nothing to do with the situation at hand and when “their” suffering/stress/negativity is spilling over. And because of this inner knowing I hold my reaction, I take it in, it may hurt or make me mad, even make me sit back in thought for a minute, but what I do now UNCONTROLLABLY and WITHOUT THOUGHT is forgive because I believe in people.
To love means loving the unlovable, to forgive means pardoning the unpardonable, faith means believing the unbelievable, and hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless….
If I have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of my life…..lead me to the ring.